THIS MODERN NIGHTMARE

THE LATEST: NEW STORIES AND A POEM

Some people have asked what new stuff I have out, so I figured it might be good to post an update.

First off, the newest item to arrive is the new anthology from Sam's Dot Publishing entitled: "COVER OF DARKNESS: Tales of Dark Fantasy with a Twist." This features a little story by me entitled "Sometimes the Good Witch Sings to Me." For those interested in such things, this was the very first horror short story I ever wrote (well, intentionally as horror) way back in 2000. It's nice to finally see it in print. If you'd like to get a copy of the anthology, you can get them at the Genre Mall (here).

I also have a poem in the new issue of SPACE AND TIME Magazine (Issue # 100). It's entitled "Circles" and it's the first poem of mine to be published. This double-sized anniversary issues also features fiction by such fine writers as Lee Thomas and Mary San Gionvanni. You can order copies directly through Space and Time.

And BARE BONE # 9 features the surreal story "Muscle Car" which I co-wrote with the very talented Kurt Newton. I like this one - it was a very successful collaboration and an odd little yarn. You can get copies of this at Shocklines.com.

That's all for now.

BOOK TALK

CHUCK PALAHNIUK'S LATEST BOOK TOUR

I saw Chuck Palahniuk read on Friday. He was at the Coolidge Corner Theater in Boston. This is the second time I've seen him read. For those who aren't familiar with the name, this is the guy who wrote FIGHT CLUB. And he's a charismatic muthafucker who knows how to gather a crowd and keep the fans happy.

His "readings" are more like events, and I strongly recommend that if you're a fan, you check him out. I knew something was up when I took my seat and noticed a bunch of people in line to get books signed before the show. Every once in awhile, someone had a camera and would have someone else take a picture while Chuck put a bridal veil on them and lean against them with a big smile. A few people (girls and guys) showed up in complete wedding dresses. I had no idea what this was about - you see, I didn't do my homework. I hadn't read Chuck's new novel RANT: THE ORAL HISTORY OF BUSTER CASEY yet. In it, there's a certain significance to people who wear wedding dresses. I hadn't brought my camera, so I missed out on getting a cool photo taken.

Chuck Palahniuk's books have a funny way of bleeding into his readings.

The last time I'd seen him read was for his novel DIARY, where he was reading his short story "Guts" (later collected in his next book, the short story collection HAUNTED). "Guts" is the story that was rumored to make people pass out in the audience, based on the sheer grossness of it. As a horror writer - and a fan of people like Edward Lee - this story didn't phase me much. But for a very popular "mainstream" author like Palahniuk, this was a pretty cool trick.

His readings are like game shows. He reads a passage from a letter one of his fans sent him (they're usually pretty damn cool) then he does a trivia question and whoever answers it first gets a prize. Then he takes questions from the audience, and if he chooses you, you get a prize. And did I mention those people who came to the event dressed up in complete wedding gowns also had a chance at a "very special prize"?

In between, he reads one of his stories. This time it was a cool little dittie called "Cold Call."

I'm hearing great stuff about RANT and I plan to read it very soon. I wish I'd read it before I saw him read, though. Don't make the same mistake I did.

Afterwards, he did a book signing across the street and the line went clear around the block. I know from last time that you can stand in line for three hours to get a book signed. So I passed this time. But it's worth standing in line at least once. Chuck won't just sign your book, he'll personalize it with rubber stamps and he's very approachable.

This guy loves his fans, and it shows in how rabid they are for him.

I called him a "mainstream" writer before, but that's probably a misnomer. Sure, he's not considered a genre writer, and he sells a lot of books, and a lot of his books are being turned into movies. But mainstream usually conotates work that's been dumbed down for the masses. Sanitized. And Chuck certainly isn't either of those. In some circles he might be considered a "literary" author, but he isn't afraid to go for the shock value and he doesn't shy away from plots that might offend. There's nothing water-down about Chuck Palahniuk.

Let's just say he's a literary army boot, kicking ass wherever he goes, and leave it at that.

If he comes to your town, go see him read. But read his book beforehand and bring a camera....and maybe a wedding dress.

HEART-SHAPED BOX BY JOE HILL

Since I'm on a roll about books, thought I'd mention another one I'd read recently that I strongly recommend: HEART-SHAPED BOX by Joe Hill.

There's been a lot of buzz about this one. Not least of all because it was recently revealed in the media that Joe Hill is the son of Stephen King. Joe hadn't used the King name because he was writing in the same genre (horror) and wanted to be judged on his own terms. I can respect that. But of course, it's impossible to keep something like that under wraps for very long, especially when you start winning awards for your writing (as Joe did for his collection 20th CENTURY GHOSTS and his novella "Best New Horror" last year).

So the big question is, is HEART-SHAPED BOX, Joe Hill's first novel, any good?

It sure as hell is.

I was really riveted by this one. It's the story of Judas "Jude" Coyne, an aging heavy metal rock star who has a propensity for buying crazy (horror-related) stuff for his "collection." When his assistant Danny finds out about a ghost for sale, he tells Jude, and of course the guy wants to buy it.

But the ghost comes attached to an old man's suit, which arrives in a heart-shaped box. And this is a vengeful ghost, named Craddock McDermott, who was the stepdaddy of one of Jude's former girlfriends, Florida (he has a string of goth girl girlfriends who he names after their state of origin, his current one is Georgia).

At first it looks like Jude is fucked. But as the story develops, we find out that the battle is not as one-sided as it appears.

HEART-SHAPED BOX is well-written, suspenseful, and I enjoyed it from cover to cover. And this is one of the rare times in recent memory where I read a ghost story and really felt the ghost was formidable/scary. Craddock is quite the piece of work. But everyone in this book is well "fleshed" out, from Judas (who grew up as Justin) to Marybeth (who is so much more than just "Georgia").

It's really nice to come across a novel that lives up to its buzz. I really enjoyed this one and happily recommend it.

And I'm really looking forward to seeing what Joe Hill does next.

SPIDER-MAN 3: DON'T BOTHER!

This is going to be a long one. Don't say I didn't warn you.

SPIDER-MAN 3 should have been subtitled: "Three pounds of shit in a one pound bag." Because there's too much going on and most of it stinks.

So let's examine "why" it stinks, shall we?

To begin with, I'm not a big Peter Parker fan. The whole mopey teen angst thing worked in Stan Lee's comics back in the 1960's, but it hasn't translated too well into modern times, and it really hasn't worked for me on the big screen. Parker comes off as a whining sad sack. It makes you want to grab him by his orange-costumed shoulders and shake some sense into him. He's got amazing powers, a hot girlfriend, a charmed life, and yet he's always down in the dumps about something. Put this guy on some meds already!

So that's one strike against the Spider-Man movies. Peter Parker gets on my nerves! But I still think Sam Raimi did something special with this series, because even if Parker is a jerk, Spider-Man is exhuberent and full of adrenlaine and the action scenes in these movies capture the pure joy it must be to have super powers and use them. It's like Spider-Man is a split personality and can only enjoy himself when he's cutting loose. Which makes perfect sense. If only we never had to deal with Parker.

Then we have the villains. For me, they make or break a superhero movie. Willem DeFoe was fine as the Green Goblin in the first movie, but they totally ruined his costume. Especially the mask. In the comics, the Goblin looked pretty cool. In the movie, he looked like one of the Power Rangers. It was embarassing! But there was such a strong sense of fun and energy in that first movie that it rose above its flaws. Even if we had to sit through Spider-Man's lame-ass (and illogical) origin. And his doting wrinkled prunes Uncle Ben and Aunt May. And Kristen Dunst as the equally mopey and annoying Mary Jane.

In the comics, Mary Jane was flirtatious and fun and called Peter "Tiger." In the movies, she always seems to be on the verge of tears. Give that girl some meds too! Man, what a bunch of depressives!

Then we had SPIDER-MAN 2. More angst and bullshit from Peter. He vows to quit being Spider-Man. He mopes and whines. Fuck off already! But then there was Alfred Molina as Doctor Octopus.

In the comics, Doc Ock had become something of a joke character. He was one of Spider-Man's earliest foes (way back in Amazing Spider-Man # 3), but something about the bespectacled, portly character didn't hold up very well over time. In one storyline in the '70s, he even tried to marry Aunt May! But the second Spider-Man movie reinvented him, made him dangerous again, and very cool. Doc Ock is the reason why SPIDER-MAN 2 worked. He rose up on his titanium tentacles and single-handedly saved the movie and almost kicked Spider-Man's ass in the process. Ock was an even better villian that Defoe as the Goblin. The fight scenes were terrific. And when Parker donned the costume, you could almost forgive the whining. Almost.

Which brings us to Number 3. And the charm is wearing off. And sheer energy isn't enough to keep things fresh anymore.

BEWARE! SPOILERS AHEAD. If you're a big Spider-Man fan and haven't seen the movie yet, you may not want to read any further. But I'm going to explain all the flaws with this movie and I'm not taking any prisoners.
Here's why the movie fails.

TOO MANY VILLIANS. A superhero movie is only as good as its bad guys. And this has proven itself in the past two SM movies. Look at the magic Doc Ock created. In theory, SM3 should have been a feast. We've got the Sandman, another great old-school villain like Doc Ock (he even was a Hulk villain for awhile, like one of my all-time favorite Spidey villains, The Rhino – when's he going to be in a movie?). Sandman was one of these low-level thugs who somehow got super powers. He wasn't particularly bright. But his powers were cool, and he never gave up trying to kick Spider-Man's ass.

Then we have Harry Osborne who wants to avenge his father. This has been the strongest storyline to unite the three movies, and you expect a decent payoff. Frankly, I was sick of the Goblins by the end of the first movie, but if the son has to become the heir to the madness, then at least give us a big payoff.

And Venom. I actually think Venom is a cooler character than Spider-Man in the comics, and I was really psyched when I heard he'd be in this movie. But Topher Grace is a pretty sad Eddie Brock. In the comics, he was bigger and more muscular than Peter Parker. Sure – not everything has to be the same as in the comics – but the point is, he's supposed to be big. He's supposed to be intimidating in that black suit. And Topher Grace is – well – the opposite of intimidating. And with all these bad guys in one movie, Venom – who should have had a Spider-Man movie all his own – was reduced to a supporting character. And where the fuck was his big lolling tongue? And what's up with Topher's teeth at the end? And I'm not talking about when he's wearing his "Venom" head. Go see a fuckin dentist, Topher!

It didn't help that everyone's motivations are illogical as well. Flint Marko, the Sandman, turns out to be the guy who really killed Peter's Uncle Ben. He did it because he needed Ben's car during a robbery and "got scared." He's spent time in jail because he robbed banks and got caught. When he becomes Sandman, he tears the city apart and makes a big fuckin mess. Why does he do all this shit? He tells us he did it all "for my daughter." She's sick (we never learn what she's got). All right, we get that he needs money. But what the fuck? How does shooting a man in cold blood and later turning into a giant hulking sand monster do one thing toward helping his daughter? In the comics, Sandman isn't the smartest bulb in the room, but in this movie he's downright retarded!

Then we have the Son of the Goblin. Early in the movie, Harry attacks Parker and they fight throughout the city (with no masks!). Then Harry hits his head. Conveniently, he forgets all about his father and his desire for revenge. He and Peter become best friends again! What a great bump on the head!! Everything's perfect again. Until he slowly starts remembering. When he gets his memory back and turns "evil" again, the movie finally gets good. But it doesn't last. By the time his butler fills in all the gaps after three years of keeping his mouth shut (man, was that annoying!) and Harry "sees the light," his character has become just another waste of space.

And Venom. One of the coolest characters to spin off of the Spider-Man series. Reduced to a second stringer. While they do a good job of explaining the black suit in a two-hour movie (it took lots of comic books to do it), between Topher Grace and limited screen time, Venom isn't given proper time to truly become much of a menace –or much of anything. He's totally fuckin wasted here, and little more than "Sandman's crazy sidekick" by the end.

With all these bad guys running around the city at once, it was like one of those godawful Joel Schumacher Batman movies.

TOO MUCH GOING ON. We've got the black suit that comes from space and changes Peter's personality. We've got the creation of the Sandman. We've got Harry wanting revenge. We've got Mary Jane leaving Peter for being too selfish and egotistical. We've got Gwen Stacy (who should have been in the first movie) dragged on board with not much to do except make M.J. jealous. We've got years of comic book storylines condensed into two hours and it's too much and nothing is given time to develop and make any real sense. For once, Sam Raimi is just too damn ambitious, and as a result everything seems half-baked and nothing is really satisfying.

TOO MANY CRINGE-INDUCING SCENES. When the black suit (some kind of slime from a fallen meteorite that jumps onto Peter and becomes a living costume) bonds with Peter. His personality changes and he turns "bad." So what do bad boys do?
They dance. Then come on to chicks in the street. They act like total geeky assholes. They dance some more and shake their ass on their sidewalk. They become metrosexual.

As if Peter Parker wasn't annoying enough, his "bad boy" side is even worse. And incredibly cringe-worthy. I actually felt bad for Tobey Maguire during these scenes. He's a decent actor and he deserves better than this kind of embarassing bullshit. Sure, it's supposed to be funny, and is what some science nerd with boosted confidence is supposed to think is cool. But it doesn't' work, and it's just incredibly stupid.

Then there's the scene where Peter takes Gwen Stacy to the bar where Mary Jane works as a singing waitress after getting get kicked off her Broadway play debut (SEE WHAT I MEAN ABOUT TOO MUCH GOING ON??), and Peter pushes everyone aside so he can dance on table tops and dance with Gwen through the center of the bar (this isn't a night club, it's a fuckin bar), and he does it all just to piss Mary Jane off because he's a real "bad boy." This scene is so fucking stupid and annoying that people in the audience with me were yelling at the screen. It was like a scene out of MOULIN ROUGE for Christ's sake. Was Sam Raimi taking LSD when he filmed these scenes?

And then there's the mask thing. Everyone is always taking their masks off in public. Why even wear a mask? And there's the parade for Spider-Man where Parker is on top of a building looking down at everyone. He's in his costume but he's NOT WEARING A MASK for a long time, and there's no reason why people in other buildings can't see him. And he's so paranoid about his secret identity. Why? And that great big web that Peter and Mary Jane relax on early in the movie may look cool, but it's also a giant arrow saying "Here's Spiderman!"

Sure you've got to suspend disbelief in these movies. But there's a fuckin limit to how much stupidity we're willing to accept.

TOO MUCH AUNT MAY. I absolutely hate Aunt May! In the comics, she was comic relief. She had a heart attack every other issue. She was feeble. But she just wouldn't die. She was stronger than Spider-Man when it came to staying alive. She was a joke. She made me laugh.

In the movies, she's this square old lady who is always dispensing platitudes and advice and sermons. She's got the shoulders and personality of linebacker. She's like a fucking preacher stopping all the movie's momentum the moment she appears onscreen, and you just know she's going to give us more of that simplistic homespun bullshit she always spouts. Spare me the preaching and the lessons. Get back to the fucking action already!

WHAT THE MOVIE DOES RIGHT (and then wastes them):

Bryce Dallas Howard is actually just fine as Gwen Stacy, even if she doesn't have much to do except look pretty and wholesome. I always thought Kristen Dunst was miscast and I'm so sick of her eyes tearing up in every scene. I'd choose Gwen over her in a minute. Too bad neither of them has much of a personality.

Thomas Hayden Church is just fine as Flint Marko, the guy who becomes the Sandman. Too bad he has nothing to work with either. His character is a simpleton. All that charisma and talent wasted. He has one of the few good scenes though, when he first becomes the Sandman. That scene in the sand pits worked for me, even if his origin made very little sense (another secret experiment gone awry).

Bruce Campbell. His role as a snooty maitre de in a French restaurant (where Peter goes to pop the question to MJ) is pure gold. It's like he's channeling Peter Sellers as Inspector Clouseau. Campbell has had a small part in every Spider-Man movie so far, and this is his best one yet. Too bad it's wasted in an otherwise bad movie.

J.K. Simmons as J. Jonah Jameson. Although even he was watered down a bit here. Something about pills and high blood pressure and him not supposed to get riled up. Of course, he still does. But it's just not as much fun anymore.

The fight scenes. Well, not all of them. The ones between Spider-Man and Goblin Jr. are okay. The one with Sandman in the subway tunnel (before he later turns into Giant Sandman and loses his humanity and anything interesting about him) is good. The fight scenes are usually always good in these movies. But by the end, there are just too many players and you just don't care anymore.

Several times during the screening I saw, people made jokes ridiculing the movie. They yelled at. They laughed at the dumb parts. And I usually hate people talking in movies – but this time I was totally in agreement with their sentiments.

I didn't enjoy very much of SPIDER-MAN 3. If it sounds like you won't either, then please do me a favor and don't spend the ten bucks. Wait for it to come out on DVD. You'll be glad you didn't add to the cash bonanza this movie will no doubt earn – but which it doesn't deserve.

Go see GRINDHOUSE instead