THIS MODERN NIGHTMARE

FINALLY SAW THE DARK KNIGHT

What the fuck is it about THE DARK KNIGHT anyway? I missed it opening weekend because I was at a convention. So I figure, "Hey, I'll see it on a Wednesday night. Nobody goes to the movies then." But all of tonight's shows were sold out! Luckily I had the foresight to pick up tickets early. But no movie sells out all its showings in the middle of the week!

(Was so damn crowded I had to sit in the front row and crick my neck looking up at the screen, too!)

Okay, so I'm not going to write a real review. There have been way too many reviews of this movie already, and if you're a fan of Batman, chances are you already saw this one and don't need to know the storyline. I'm jut going to write some very simple comments.

1) Heath Ledger - believe the fuckin hype. For once, a performance was just as good as I was told it was. This guy was fuckin amazing as The Joker. Way superior to Nicholson's caricature performance back in the 80s. In Ledger's hands, the Joker is actually creepy, totally insane, and the walking embodiment of chaos theory. This acting job has to be seen to be believed.

2) Aaron Ekhart - I've dug this guy since he debuted in Neil LaBute's classic IN THE COMPANY OF MEN, and while it's kind of sad to see him become a mainstream star and leave independent cinema behind, he's good in this movie. Not great like Ledger, but he turns in a good performance, and I dug him as Two-Face especially - even if Harvey Dent's transformed bad-guy wasn't onscreen long enough.

3) I dug the "dueling philosophies." Batman stands for order. The Joker is pure chaos. Two-Face is the randomness of chance. Cool to see these opposing philosophies vying for screen time.

4) Maggie Gyllenhaal - I hate to say it, but she looks downright homely in this movie. Don't get me wrong - I dig her. I thought she was a real turn-on in the cool indie movie SECRETARY. But here, she seems really miscast. When characters keep talking about how beautiful she is, I almost started laughing. She's a good actress, but beautiful? I don't think so. Especially when you're sitting in the front row and have to look up into that pug nose of hers.

5) Batman - Christian Bale was okay as Batman. But man, is Batman a yawn. It's a thankless role. He's basically the straight man for the villains to play off of. I don't care about his moral dilemmas or his gadgets or the way he talks out of the side of his mouth and sounds like Cliff Robertson. Every time Batman was onscreen the movie turned really boring to me. I just sat there waiting for The Joker to come back.

6) Supporting actors - Morgan Freeman and Michael Caine were okay, but I didn't really care if they were in the movie or not. And Gary Oldman used to be one of my favorite actors (anyone remember SID AND NANCY?), but his Commissioner Gordon is a marble-mouthed snooze. I was hoping he'd stay dead!

7) Too much boring stuff - the whole storyline about the Asian businessman/gangster was a waste of time. So was a scene toward the end where Batman races SWAT guys to reach the top of a high-rise - the scene goes on forever! This movie needed some major editing and had way too many storylines (many meaningless) going on at once. It's two and a half hours long and easily could have been under 2 hours.

So my final verdict - when the Joker is onscreen, this movie fuckin rocks! When he's not, it's too long with way too many boring parts.

THE ORPHANAGE ROCKS!

Since then I finally saw the 2007 Spanish horror film EL ORFANATO (you'll probably know it better as THE ORPHANAGE), that everyone kept telling me was so great, last night. I have to admit, I enjoyed it a lot, and it was a rare time where a movie lived up to the hype.

Directed by Juan Antonio Bayona (and produced by PAN'S LABYRINTH's Guillermo del Toro), THE ORPHANAGE is about couple (Belen Rueda as Laura and Fernando Cayo as her husband Carlos) and their adopted son (Simon, played by Roger Princep, who happens to be HIV positive) move into an old house that used to be an orphanage (the mother lived there as a child and wants to reopen it as a facility for special needs kids). At one point, the boy disappears, and the parents do everything they can to find him (including, at one point, inviting a medium into the house to try to commune with the ghosts of dead children who haunt the place). Eventually the mother takes matters into her own hands and takes part in a spooky treasure-hunt game, hoping the ghosts will finally take her to her son (who she is sure is still alive), if she plays along with them.

Brilliant stuff. I thought THE ORPHANAGE was well-written, well-acted, and suitably spooky. A really top-notch film that I heartily recommend.

***

FEAR ITSELF UPDATE

AAAARGH!

Finally got caught up on Fear Itself (I'd timed the latest episode on my VCR while I was away at Necon), and I gotta admit, this might be the absolutely worst episode yet!! The latest one was called "New Year's Day" When I saw Steve Niles's name in the credits for the story and the screenplay, I thought I was in for a real treat. I mean, this is the guy who gave us 30 DAYS OF NIGHT! But, man oh man, this was yet another cliche-ridden, by-the-numbers zombie story that makes me wanna jump out of a fuckin window.

The lead character is Helen (Briana Evigan), a gravelly-voiced, whiny, annoying bitch (there's no other word for her), who is constantly saying things like "I wish people liked me," and "How can I ever get over the death of my brother." She's a walking, talking poster for self-pity and she gets tiresome real fast. After a big New Year's party where she finds the guy she likes kissing her best friend (boo hoo!), she goes on a drinking and pill binge and wakes up the next day to find the city is full of zombies (thanks to a chemical plant fire nearby).

The movie is so cliche, and so stupid, that I fast-forwarded through some the more drawn-out scenes at the end, because I couldn't fuckin stand watching this one. Not only did the lead character suck, but the zombies themselves were not scary (the constant neck-cracking just made me want to punch them in the face), the camerawork was annoying, and the party scenes reminded me so much of CLOVERFIELD that it made my teeth hurt. And the oh-so clever "twist" ending reminded me too much of THE SIXTH SENSE.

Steve Niles's original story had to be better than this crap. One thing I learned from Necon is how badly this show can mangle a story. Peter Crowther showed a short film of his story EATER done before the FEAR ITSELF episode, which was very different from the episode and more effective (and supposedly more faithful to the story).

Meanwhile, this is exactly the kind of shit that makes me hate zombies.

I can't tell you how many times I wanted to kick my television in!

FEAR ITSELF has been 95% shit so far (except for "Family Man" and "Eater"). God am I glad the still-excellent show SWINGTOWN is also on Thursday nights to wash the bad taste out of my mouth after watching this garbage.

It's stuff like this that gives horror shows a bad name.

TOP 10 ZOMBIE FLICKS

A reader asked me to make a list of what I thought were the Top 10 Zombie flicks of all time. So I sat down to do just that. But then I got to wondering – what's the criteria? Should the list be just movies about flesh-eating zombies, or should it include other kinds of zombies as well? Like old-school traditional zombies, which were simply dead people enslaved by voodoo priests. I felt like I had to incude them, because voodoo zombies were the first kind, and there are some great movies about them. Then I wondered if re-animated corpses counted. Immediately RE-ANIMATOR came to mind. But if I included that, I'd also have to include FRANKENSTEIN movies. So I decided not to. I also decided not to include most "corpses possessed by demons" movies like EVIL DEAD.

Here's the final list I came up with. This is my last movie list for awhile – I'm kind of tired of doing lists, but I'm sure at some point in the future I'll do some more, since people seem to like them. I hope you dig it.

TOP 10 ZOMBIE FLICKS:

1. DAWN OF THE DEAD (1976) (dir. George A. Romero) – This is easily one of my top 3 horror films of all time. The original DAWN created quite a sensation when it came out as an unrated horror flick promising lots of gore (which it delivered!). But it was so much more than that, Romero used zombies as a metaphor for our consumer culture (and for loneliness). He also gave us four terrific characters who holed up in a mall and pretty much made it a paradise for a short time, despite the living hell outside its doors. While the remake was better than I expected, it failed to deliver the depth and fine characterization of Romero's original. Long live the real DAWN, king of the zombie movies!

2. NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD (1968) (dir. George A. Romero) – This one had to place high on the list – because it's the movie that started the whole genre of flesh-eating zombies. Romero originally referred to them as "ghouls" (which is technically wrong, since ghouls are living creatures who eat the dead – check out Brian Keene's great novel GHOUL – he got it right). This atmospheric and powerful flick put George Romero on the map, and rightly so. And it still holds up very well. I can't think of another movie that has been as copied and ripped off as this one.

3. SUGAR HILL (1974) (dir. Paul Maslansky) – Okay, here's the first "traditional" zombie movie on the list. But I really love this one. The truth is, I love traditional (i.e. "voodoo-related") zombies just as much as Romero-type zombies. This little film from 1974 is one of my favorite movies and easily my favorite blaxploitation film. Diana Hill (Marki Bey)'s husband is killed by gangsters, so she turns to the demonic Baron Samedi (the amazing Don Pedro Colley) and his walking dead minions to get revenge. These zombies are covered in cobwebs and like to strangle their victims. But, seriously, Baron Samedi alone is worth the price of admission. Also featuring Robert "Count Yorga" Quarry.

4. DAY OF THE DEAD (1985) (dir. George A. Romero) – The third film of George Romero's original DEAD trilogy, this one is criminally underrated. Featuring Lori Cardille as Sarah, a scientist trapped in a military facility with trigger-happy soldiers and a handful of other scientists, trying to find a solution to the zombie plague that has pretty much taken over the world at this point. Featuring mad scientist Dr. Logan (Richard Liberty) and his pet project, "Bub" (Sherman Howard), a zombie that seems capable of rational thought. Excellent flick that deserves a much more revered reputation.

5. DEAD ALIVE (1992) (dir. Peter Jackson) – Long before he made the LORD OF THE RINGS films, Peter Jackson made a handful of gory horror films, and DEAD ALIVE (also known as BRAIN DEAD in its native Australia) might just be the best of the bunch. It's also, in some ways, the final word on zombie flicks, since it takes the violence and gore to new levels. Even though the zombies themselves are started when a weird weasel-like creature bites someone at the zoo, causing them to contract a kind of rabies that revives them after death as carnivorous zombies. Featuring an over-the-top gorefest involving a gas-powered lawn mower chewing zombies to bloody bits.

6. THE BEYOND (1981) (dir. Lucio Fulci) – When people think of zombies and Fucli, the first movie that comes to mind of ZOMBIE from 1979, but, aside from some classic scenes, I thought ZOMBIE was a bit too slow for my tastes. THE BEYOND is much more interesting. It begins in Louisiana in the 20's, when a lynch mob kills a suspected warlock in the hotel he lived in Then it jumps to the 80s when Liza Merril (Katherine MacColl) inherits the hotel and tries to restore it so she can make it a real hotel again. But workmen end up dead, and dead people begin to walk. With a blind woman who tries to warn Liza, and a trip to Hell itself.

7. THE SERPENT AND THE RAINBOW (1988) (dir. Wes Craven) – this might be the last great film by director Craven, who earlier in his career gave us such classics as LAST HOUSE ON THE LEFT and the original HILLS HAVE EYES, before he started making crap like the SCREAM movies. SERPENT is maybe the best zombie movie based on a non-fiction book (by author Wade Davis), and features Bill Pullman as a botanist who goes to Haiti to find the drug that is behind voodoo zombies. Of course, there are many people who don't want him to find out the truth.

8. WHITE ZOMBIE (1932) (dir. Victor Halperin) – this early zombie classic features Bela Lugosi as "Murder" Legendre, a witch doctor who uses zombie slaves to work his plantation. When a man goes to him for help in getting the woman he wants, Legendre uses the opportunity to add the woman to his zombie collection. An atmospheric classic.

9. CITY OF THE LIVING DEAD (1980) (dir. Lucio Fulci) – another weird Fucli film (also known as THE GATES OF HELL), this one features Christopher George as a reporter who investigates weird deaths and walking corpses. It turns out it was all triggered by Father Thomas (Fabirzio Jovine) who hung himself in the church graveyard, and whose death opened one of the gates of hell, letting the dead out. Father Thomas himself pops up a lot to kill people with his stare (he makes one woman puke up her intestines!). Featuring zombies capable of teleporting themselves wherever they want! You can't escape them.

10. THE LIVING DEAD AT THE MANCHESTER MORGUE (1974) (dir. Jorge Grau) - Edna (Christine Galbo) and George (Ray Lovelock) discover flesh-eating corpses in the British countryside, awakened by a machine that uses ultrasonic radiation as a pesticide for farms. Inspector Arthur Kennedy is sure the two of them are the serial murderers he's after. While this movie was obviously inspired by Romero's NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD, it came out two years before DAWN. With a more interesting storyline than most NIGHT knockoffs.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (movies that didn't make the top 10,but should be mentioned)

LAND OF THE DEAD (2005) (dir. George A. Romero) – The much-maligned fourth DEAD film (even Romero has said it's not the movie he wanted to make), 30 years after DAY OF THE DEAD. It features a future overrun with zombies, and a towering skyscraper which is one of the last refuges for the living. I still enjoyed this film a lot, mostly for Asia Argento,and a sentient zombie "leader" called Bossman. It has its flaws, but there was a lot I liked about it.

DIARY OF THE DEAD (2007) (dir. George A. Romero) - – Romero's latest DEAD movie is a reboot of NIGHT, but taking us into the modern age of camcorders and YouTube. I didn't care much for the main characters, but there are some great scenes (especially the ones featuring a mute Amish farmer).

ZOMBIE (1979) (dir. Lucio Fulci) – Perhaps Fulci's most famous film, featuring a group of people on an island overrun with flesh-eating zombies. Famous for a scene were a zombie fights a shark underwater (still riffing on the popularity of JAWS) and an unforgettable scene where a splinter of glass in a broken window plunges into a woman's eye (guaranteed to make you squirm). It's not my favorite of Fulci's films, but it's a very memorable zombie flick nonetheless.

CHILDREN SHOULDN'T PLAY WITH DEAD THINGS (1972) (dir. Bob Clark) – a group of actors on an island unearth a body to do a fake satanic ritual during a party. But the ritual works for real and the dead start rising from their graves. I like this one, but prefer Clark's 1974 classic DEATHDREAM, about a solider who comes back from the war changed, and who turns out to be a kind of zombie who needs to inject himself with human blood.

RETURN OF THE LIVING DEAD (1985) (dir. Dan O'Bannon) – After Romero made Night of the Living Dead, he and screenwriter John Russo parted ways. It seems that Romero go the right to use "DEAD" in his future films, while Russo got the right to use "LIVING DEAD." This movie was Russo's take on a sequel to NIGHT, and features guys in a warehouse coming across some of the original zombies in containers, and of course all hell breaks loose. This one was a bit too jokey for my taste, although it has some great scenes, and talking zombies who constantly cry out for "brains" (the only thing that can calm their pain). With Linnea Quigley as a punk chick who does a nude dance on a tombstone. I didn't hate this one – but it can't hold a candle to Romero's films.

ONES I HAVEN'T SEEN YET – a few zombie movies that are supposed to be very good, but which I havent' seen yet.

THE BLIND DEAD SERIES (1971 through 1975) (dir. Amando de Ossorio) – I actually have these films, but haven't seen them yet. Portuguese filmmaker de Ossorio directed them all, and they're about the 13th century Knights Templar who arise in our time to cut a vicious swath of violence against the living. Their skull faces and skeletal horses adding to the atmosphere of dread. The series includes: TOMBS OF THE BLIND DEAD (1971), RETURN OF THE BLOOD DEAD (1973), GHOST SHIPS OF THE BLIND DEAD (1974), and NIGHT OF THE SEAGULLS (1975).

PLAGUE OF THE ZOMBIES (1966) (dir. John Gilling) – this British film is Hammer Studio's only zombie movie, and features a small town where black magic is used to enslave the walking dead to work a local mine. While I haven't seen it, the zombies in still photos look suitably creepy.

TOP TEN SCARIEST MOVIES

Yet another list!

Here's a list I recently posted on Oddity Cinema's website. It's the 10 Scariest Movies of All Time. Since I'm old and jaded, and nothing much scares me anymore, it was a tough call, so I consulted with my "inner child" (that homicidal brat) and remembered which movies had a big impact on me – imprinting scary images on my brain. Of course, some of these I didn't see as an adult, but that inner child is still along for the ride.

TOP 10 SCARIEST FILMS

1. THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE (1974) – the heavyweight champion of horror films. The first time you see it, you can't help but jump when Leatherface first appears, pulling that door aside and hitting the unsuspecting hippie in the head. Star Marilyn Burns actually bled for real in the chase sequences.

2. DAWN OF THE DEAD (1978) – George A. Romero's masterpiece features flesh-eating zombies in a shopping mall "because it had significance to them when they were alive." With lots of gore, and great performances. The king of the zombie movies.

3. THE EXORCIST (1973) – Another film that had a profound effect on me as a kid – and that was an edited version I saw on TV! It would be awhile later before I'd finally get to see the uncut version. This movie is truly scary and while I've become a bit jaded about it over the years, it's still amazing.

4. FRANKENSTEIN (1931)– The first horror movie I ever saw as a kid, and it still holds up well. The scenes where the monster hangs Dwight Frye with a chain, and the infamous scene where a little girl shows the monster how to float daisies on the water, keep this one creepy, even by today's jaded standards. Some people prefer BRIDE OF FRANKENSTEIN for the story, but for atmosphere and scares, the first is still the best.

5. SUSPIRIA (1977) – Dario Argento gives us the story of Helena Markos, who is actually Mater Suspirium, the Mother of Sighs, a demonic witch who is hidden away in the back rooms of a dance school in Frieberg, Germany. With terrific atmosphere and very surreal murder scenes. Argento at the top of his game.

6. AUDITION (1999) – Japanese master Takashi Miike gives us a movie unlike any other. I hesitate to describe this one too much to people who haven't seen it – because they should be surprised. Basically, it's about a widower who is looking for a new wife. A friend of his who is a casting director suggests he hold an audition for a prospective mate. Needless to say, nothing goes as planned. (also check out Miike's banned episode of MASTERS OF HORROR, called "Imprint." It's so vicious, it's painful to watch.)

7. IRREVERSIBLE (2002)– Gaspar Noe's descent into hell may not technically be considered a horror movie, but it's very disturbing and horrific just the same. Featuring a 15-minute, excruciating rape scene and an annoying, strobe-light ending that is pretty much a "fuck you" to the audience.

8.MARTIN (1971) – Romero's other masterpiece. This might be my favorite vampire film of all time (next to Bela Lugosi's original DRACULA). John Amplas plays a confused kid who believes he is a vampire, and his old-world relatives reinforce this belief. Despite this, he tries desperately to have a normal relationship with a woman. One of the most sympathetic psychopaths in film history. With a shock ending.

9. LAST HOUSE ON THE LEFT (1972)– Wes Craven's first horror film, and a bonafide classic. A group of psychos who have escaped from prison kidnap two girls and do horrible things to them. When their car breaks down and they come upon the house of one of the girl's parents, they get their comeuppance. I haven't been a fan of Wes Craven since his Scream films came out, but early in his career, he was the real deal.

10.HENRY: PORTRAIT OF A SERIAL KILLER (1986)– A raw, low-budget film that plays almost like a documentary at times, inspired by real-life killer Henry Lee Lucas. Michael Rooker is truly chilling as Henry, as is Tom Towles as his sidekick Otis. The scenes where they videotape their violent murders is especially skin-crawling.

HONORABLE MENTIONS

ALIEN (1979) – Maybe not technically a horror movie, this sf classic features a very horrific monster and some real shock scenes. I saw it opening day at the theater when it first came out – knew very little about it beforehand – and definitely jumped a few times.

TRILOGY OF TERROR (1975)– Sure, it's a TV movie, but this Richard Matheson feast, directed by Dan Curtis, features three short stories adapted for film. The most famous one is still the one about the Zuni fetish doll that comes to life. Man, was that doll scary! I want one!!

JAWS (1975) – I had to mention this one. By the time I saw it, I was a jaded teenager, and by now the shark looks kinda silly. But back then, this movie kicked major ass, and people really were too scared to go into the water. Stephen Spielberg's finest hour.

PSYCHO (1960) – Saw this as a kid. The ending sent shivers up my spine, especially when Anthony Perkins says "I wouldn't hurt a fly." Hitchcock's horror masterpiece.

(June 2008)

GOOD-BYE TO THOMAS M. DISCH

Well, another great one has died. This time it was writer Thomas M. Disch. Word has it that he committed suicide on July 2nd, using a shotgun. He will be greatly missed by fans of imaginative literature.

Back when I was heavily in SF (a direct result of science fiction's "new wave" in the 70s and anthologies like Harlan Ellison's DANGEROUS VISIONS), Thomas Disch was one of my favorite authors. His first novel was THE GENOCIDES in 1965. His most famous SF works are probably the CAMP CONCENTRATION (1968), about a military experiment where prisoners are injected with a serum that makes them geniuses, but also destroys their bodies, and 334 (1972), perhaps my favorite novel by him, about a housing project in a dystopian future New York City (334 being the address of the main character). He also wrote the terrific novel ON THE WINGS OF SONG in 1979, about people who are able to transcend their physical bodies using music as a focal point.

Along with writers Samuel Delaney, James Sallis, and Ursula LeGuin, he was also a very important critic in the SF field.

His career was very eclectic. Aside from his novels and short stories in the science-fiction field (for which he is probably best known), he also wrote children's books (his BRAVE LITTLE TOASTER series even spawned some animated films by Disney), was a respected genre critic (such books as THE DREAMS OUR STUFF IS MADE OF), and he wrote a series of horror novels in the 80s and 90s, including THE BUSINESSMAN: A TALE OF TERROR (1984) and THE M.D.: A HORROR STORY (1991).

His work stood out for its intelligence and an often strong sense of humor. No matter what genre he wrote in, I always found his books to be enjoyable and extremely well-written. He was a terrific writer, and his passing is sad indeed.

TV UPDATE - FEAR ITSELF and SWINGTOWN

Okay, I saw two more episodes of NBC's FEAR ITSELF since my last post.

"In Sickness and In Health" was maybe the worst episode yet. I really hate to say this - because it was directed by John Landis, whose stuff I normally love. But this was just incredibly lame, mostly because of the shitty script by Victor ("Jeepers Creepers") Salva. But Landis should have picked better material to work with.

A woman is about to get married and gets a letter from a mysterious stranger. She opens it and it says "You're about to marry a serial killer." So the woman freaks out. She won't tell anyone what the letter says, and she goes through with the ceremony out of spite because everyone is giving her such a hard time for marrying the guy after knowing him for such a short time (she can't back out now, I guess). But her friends know about the letter and know something's wrong - so they take turns yelling at the new groom. The entire episode was stupid and annoying. With a twist ending I saw coming in the first 5 minutes - and which didn't make any fucking sense in the context of everything that happens. Just a complete piece of shit. John Landis is way too good for this.

This week's episode "Eater" was a big improvement. Elizabeth Moss (who is also in another show I am totally getting addicted to lately - MAD MEN) plays Bannerman, a rookie cop in a police station. The cops have just caught a cannibalistic serial killer called The Eater and locked him up. The feds will be coming the next day to take him into custody. In the meantime, the sargeant has Moss and a couple of other guys stand guard all night and make sure nothing happens. The two other cops who are on guard duty are assholes who hate her for being a rookie and a woman, so they're always fucking with her. Weird things start happening, and Bannerman just assumes it's these two idiots trying to make things difficult for her. But what's really happening is that the Eater (Stephen R. Hart - in a very effective performance) is a cajun voodoo witchdoctor who might just have escaped and is shapeshifting to pretend to be these other cops. He saves Bannerman for last, and she does her best to fight for her life. There are some things wrong with the episode (like why would she open the door to the cell and go inside if the guy's a dangerous cannibal and why does she keep trying to open the same locked door over and over), but overall it was very atmospheric and effective. Easily one fo the best episodes yet (along with "Family Man"). This one was directed by Stuart "Re-Animator" Gordon and written by Richard Chizmar (the publisher of Cemetery Dance magazine, who has branched out into screenwriting) and his partner Jonathan Scheach. There's even an inside joke early on where it turns out Bannerman is a horror fan is reading a magazine called "Death Dance." It's nice to see that all of the episodes of FEAR ITSELF don't suck, and there are some installments worth watching. But, as usual for these kinds of anthology shows, the quality is very uneven.

***

Meanwhile, over on CBS at the same time (Thursday nights at 10pm), SWINGTOWN just gets better and better.

Let's see. It's about wife swapping in the 1970s. It stars Molly Parker from DEADWOOD as the lead character, Susan Miller (the show really seems to be all about her sexual and emotional awakening). What else do you need? It's got a good cast, good storylines and it pushes the envelope for network TV. Even the kid characters are interesting. This show should be a huge hit, but it's on the middle of the summer, so who knows if anyone is even watching.

But this is one of the best network shows I've seen in a long time.

The episode this week amazed me. Susan (Molly Parker)'s neighbor Trina Decker (Lana Parrilla) is having some kind of fund-raiser for an actor friend who is having legal problems. I turned to my wife and said "I bet it's Harry Reems." Mainly because it takes place in the 70s and DEEP THROAT was like this huge phenonomenon in the 70s. Even housewives went to see Deep Throat. Turns out I was right.

Look, I'm just amazed they said they name "Harry Reems" on network TV. That was shocking enough, much less have someone play a famous porn actor on a tv show and have him seem very likable.

If you're not watching SWINGTOWN yet, you really need to give it a chance.

***

Anyone else a big fan of the AMC show MAD MEN? I have to admit that, like THE WIRE I got intot his one late, but I've been catching up on the first season, thanks to the On Demand service on cable. The second season begins later this month, so I have lots of time to get caught up.

It's about Madison Avenue advertising men in 1960. The show is really good at capturing the feel of the period. It's funny how people are allowed to smoke everywhere (and they take full advantage of it) and how the ad men regularly pour each other drinks during work hours. Things sure have changed! And of course, women are treated as either servants (where's my dinner?) or total sex objects (every woman who works in the office seems to work in the secretarial pool, and they all get hit on at some point). This show is so good at recreating its time period, it would make a great double-feature with SWINGTOWN.

Jon Hamm, who plays lead character, ad man Don Drape, is really amazing, too. His character is pretty much a loner who is good at his job and fits in with the other guys at the office (even though most of them are complete jackasses) as much as he needs to, but who also has a penchant for disappearing and needing time alone. One of the more interesting TV characters lately.

I'm really enjoying this one.

***

And, finally, we've gotten three episodes so far of Showtime's new British series SECRET DIARY OF A CALL GIRL, and Billie Piper still hasn't gotten nude. Pretty surprising, considering how sexually fearless she claimed to be in a TV Guide article a few weeks back. In episode three, we see a close-up of her breasts during a sex scene - but they're clearly a body double's. So what's up Billie? When are you going to show us how fearless you really are? This is Showtime after all!

FOREIGN FRIGHTS

Well, happy Fourth of July, everyone. I started off my fourth by watching Lucio Fulci's 1981 Italian horror classic HOUSE BY THE CEMETERY. Like most of Fulci's films, it doesn't make a lot of sense (as if there are huge holes in the script) and some scenes are downright dopey, but there's plenty of gore and there are parts where I laughed out loud. Sure, not everyone would like this one, but if you're a fan of Fulci (or just Italian horror in general), it's worth checking out. Hell, I got my copy for $3.99 used - so how can you go wrong?

It involves a family from New York who move to Boston (doesn't look like any part of Boston I've ever seen - obviously most of the movie was filmed in parts of Italy) to stay in a big house in the middle of the woods so the father Norman Boyle (Paolo Marco) can finish the research of a colleague who recently committed suicide (allegedly, the colleague killed his mistress and himself - but we know better, based on a gruesome opening scene). The writer's son Bob (Giovanni Frezza) is pretty intense and spooky himself, with his golden hair and big, staring eyes. Bob has a new friend - the ghost of a dead girl named Mae Freudstein (Silvia Collatina). He spends a lot of time with her in the old cemetery near the house. Meanwhile the mother, Lucy (Catriona MacColl) takes pills for anxiety and has outbursts of screaming. She's sure that someone else is in the house. At first, her husband thinks she's losing it, but the more research he does, the more he comes to realize that the house's former owner, Dr. Freudstein, is alive and living in the basement.

A good way to get a sense of Fulci's style is this. When Dario Argento has killers use knives on people in his movies - the cuts are often sharp, almost surgical in their precision. With Fulci, knives always hack away at their victims, creating a bloody mess. If Argento is a surgeon, then Fulci is more of a butcher. But they're both very entertaining in their own way. Which is not to say Fulci is Argento's equal - he's not. But I dug this flick for what it was.

Fucli's movies are either the kind of thing you'll hate because of the lack of logic or continuity. Or you'll revel in its dream logic and insanity.

If you're at all interested, HOUSE should be pretty easy to find. A friend of mine had it as part of one of those generic "Horror Movie" box sets that have like 10 movies on two disks.

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I also saw a really amazing foreign horror film recently that I'd only heard of recently while listening to a podcast on Dread Media. The movie is a Spanish film from 1976 titled WHO CAN KILL A CHILD? And it's pretty intense stuff.

Tom and Evelyn (Lewis Fiander and Prunella Ransome) are tourists visiting Spain who decide they want to get away from all the people and spend some time on a quiet island off the coast. Once they get there, they are surprised to find the town deserted of all adults. However, there are some children.

As the story goes on, we realize that the children have killed all of the adults (we never totally find out why, but it seems to be either something supernatural or some contagious kind of madness), and Tom and Evelyn end up having to fight for their lives (and Evelyn is pregnant).

The title refers to the fact that no one seems to be able to stop the children because, after all, "who could kill a child?" When Tom actually shoots one, the children are amazed to find someone who actually strikes back. But that won't cure them of their killing frenzy.

All in all, an atmospheric, intense film by director Narciso Ibanez Serrador. I'm surprised I never heard of this one before, especially considering how good it is. I'm a fan of killer kid movies (The Bad Seed, Village of the Damned, The Brood, etc.) and this is one of the best ones I've seen. Highly recommended.

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In death news, Larry Harmon died. He was probably the most famous actor to portray Bozo the Clown - a real staple of my childhood. Harmon wasn't the first actor to play Bozo, but he was the guy who trademarked the character and who licensed Bozo out for other actors to play him on local TV stations throughout the country.He was also the most famous Bozo, playing the clown for more than 50 years. He was 83 and died of heart failure.

Also, former North Carolina Senator Jesse Helms died today. He was a venom-spewing ultra-conservative politican who pretty much had a lock on North Carolina politics for decades. He was probably most famous during the Reagan and Bush Sr. years, where he seemed to wield an unprescendented amount of power, blocking nominations and pretty much making life miserable for anyone who didn't agree with his very narrow world-view. With lots of cool people dying recently (George Carlin, Sam Winston), it's good to see one of the bad guys pass on as well.

It seems like when someone dies, you're supposed to forget all about the bad things they did and have a sense of respect for them just because they died. But I never subscribed to that. If you're an awful human being in life, death won't redeem you. So, I was kinda glad to hear about Helms's passing.

HORROR LIST 3: BEST MOVIES OF THE 1980s

1. RE-ANIMATOR (1985) (dir. Stuart Gordon) – I saw this one in a tiny theater in the middle of nowhere on Long Island when it first came out, solely because it was based on a story by H.P. Lovecraft. Little did I know what a treat I was in for. I doubt Lovecraft would have approved of the gore, nudity and violence, but Stuart Gordon brings Lovecraft's mad scientist Herbert West kicking and screaming into modern day Arkham thanks to an amazing performance by Jeffrey Combs in a star-making role. With great assistance by David Gale and the exceedingly mesmerizing Barbara Crampton. 1985 was a great year for horror movies, as we'll see in my second choice as well.

2. DAY OF THE DEAD (1985) (dir. George A. Romero) – I remember taking my wife to see this movie when we were dating. The fact that she loved it as much as I did made me realize we were in it for the long haul. This criminally underrated film by George A. Romero is the capper to his original "Dead" trilogy (he wouldn't do another Dead film until 20 years later with 2005's Land of the Dead). This one features a military enclave trying to stay alive and come up with a battle plan while most of the world is overrun with zombies. There are the very human scientists who want to find a solution, and the soldiers who just want to shoot the walking dead. With a great performance by lead actress Lori Cardille as the scientist Sarah. This one is also memorable for the terrific relationship between Dr. Logan ( Richard Liberty) who believes the zombies can be "domesticated" and his star pupil "Bub" (Sherman Howard) who actually appears capable of learned behavior.

3. THE THING (1982) (dir. John Carpenter) – Another terrific film. And this time, we're treated to something incredibly rare – a remake that surpasses the original. John Carpenter, who had previously had given us such classic work as the original Halloween, takes the 1951 Howard Hawks film about an alien found in ice at the North Pole and updates it with insane special effects (before CGI, no less) and terrific performances, led by Kurt Russell (who had also scored big in Carpenter's ESCAPE FROM NEW YORK in 1981). The result is a work of genius, and probably my favorite John Carpenter film.

4. THE SHINING (1980) (dir. Stanley Kubrick) – Kubrick is easily my favorite director ever, and one thing that was so interesting about him was an eagerness to tackle any genre, from science fiction to crime dramas to horror. I've heard Stephen King wasn't all that satisfied with Kubrick's take on the Shining (he left out the topiary animals and replaced them with a maze, among other changes), but I think it's still a great melding of talent, where Kubrick takes King's excellent novel and recreates it using his own vision. The result is an iconic horror film featuring Jack Nicholson in an unforgettable role as a father with a dark side who goes completely insane in an isolated hotel, while his wife and son just try to stay alive.

5. HELLRAISER (1987) (dir. Clive Barker) – Clive Barker was a big reason why I totally embraced the horror genre in the 80s (fiction, as well as movies), and I remember being astounded by the fact that a writer was finally allowed to direct his own work. Of course it didn't hurt that Barker was also a playwright and had directed some of his own plays. The result is one of the most memorable horror films of the 80s, based on Barker's novella "The Hell-Bound Heart." This is the one that introduced the world to the evil puzzle box, the cenobites (S&M demons from hell that just love to torture humans) and of course Doug Bradley as Pinhead, the lead cenobite, who has giant needles protruding from his head. This one spawned tons of sequels, but the original still holds up great

6. AN AMERICAN WEREWOLF IN LONDON (1981) (dir. John Landis) – John Landis had previously given us such comedy classics as Animal House (1978) and the Blues Brothers (1980), but he proved himself adept at horror as well with this film. Two American friends crossing the British moors at night get attacked by a werewolf. One (Griffin Dunne) is killed, but keeps showing up as a ghost, while David Naughton inherits the curse of the lycanthrope. With some great transformation effects by Rick Baker and a perfect blend of horror and humor.

7. VIDEODROME (1983) (dir. David Cronenberg) – the 80s were also a great decade for David Cronenberg. The iconoclast director had given us a string of unusual, disturbing films in the 70s, and his filmmaking career pretty much blossomed in the 80s, with films like this. A man (James Woods) comes upon a strange pirate television station that broadcasts disturbing images that not only twist his mind, but also his body. With crazy special effects that play upon Cronenberg's themes of the body in rebellion. With Debby Harry.

8. DEAD RINGERS (1988) (dir. David Cronenberg) – Another Cronenberg classic. It was very difficult trying to choose between this one and Videodrome. Dead Ringers features Jeremy Irons as twin gynecologists, who both fall for the same woman (Genevieve Bujold). One of the twins is prone to sadism. A terrific film with an exceptional lead performance by Irons.

9. OPERA (1987) (dir. Dario Argento) – Italian master Dario Argento also gave us some great films in the 80s. OPERA was perhaps his last great film for awhile, and his last horror classic before turning out a series of giallos and less renowned films (his recent Mother of Tears shows him back on track). In Opera, a young opera star (Cristina Marsillach) gets the lead in a new production of MacBeth after the previous star is hit by a car. It turns out she may have an obsessive fan. One who likes to tie her up and put needles in her eyes (to hold her lids open) so that she can be an unwilling witness while he commits his murders. (Note: not to be confused with Argento's version of Phantom of the Opera, which is one of his worst films)

10. BLUE VELVET (1986) (dir. David Lynch) – not really a horror film, but with definitely horrorific elements, Lynch's masterpiece features Kyle MacLachlan (later FBI Agent Dale Cooper on Lynch's Twin Peaks) and Laura Dern as two young people who play detective, investigating strange crimes in their small town after Kyle's character finds a severed ear in a vacant lot. With Dennis Hopper as Frank Booth, the mother of all psychotic ganglords. And Dean Stockwell wearing make-up and lip-synching to Roy Orbison's "In Dreams". With the stunning Isabella Rossellini as a woman Booth constantly torments, and who MacLachlan tries to save.

11. TENEBRE (1982) (dir. Dario Argento) – another great one. This one features Anthony Franciosa as an American novelist on a book tour in Italy who is a suspect in a series of excessively violent murders. Is he doing the killing, or is it an obsessive fan who wants to recreate murders from his books.

12. BASKET CASE (1982) / BRAIN DAMAGE (1988) (dir. Frank Henenlotter) - Hennenlotter's low-budget monster flicks were a pure delight in the 80s, and these two films were kind of bookends to the decade. His first film, BASKET CASE, features Kevin Van Hentenryck as Duane Bradley, a young man who carries his brother Belial around in a basket. You see, the two of them used to be conjoined twins were separated by doctors, But Belial didn't want to be separated and compels Duane to help him get revenge on them. BRAIN DAMAGE from 1988 features Aylmer, a strange, talking brain parasite who befriends average guy Brian (Rick Hearst) and gets him to provide him with fresh brains to eat, in return for some amazing narcotic-like highs. (Aylmer is even voiced by legendary NY horror host John Zacherele in an uncredited role).

13. HENRY: PORTRAIT OF A SERIAL KILLER (1986) (dir. John McNaughton) – One of the most disturbing films of the 80s as Michael Rooker turns in an Oscar-worthy performance as a character based on serial killer Jerry Lee Lucas. Henry not only kills randomly and often, he also videotapes his crimes at one point, and takes on an apprentice named Otis (Tom Towles).

14. NEAR DARK (1987) (dir. Kathryn Bigelow) – probably the best vampire flick of the 80s. The underrated Kathryn Bigelow gives us a dysfunctional vampire "family." Mae (Jenny Wright) seeks to add Caleb Colton (Adrian Pasdar) to the mix, and her family isn't happy. With some great scenes and a superb performance by Lance Henrickson as the vampire patriarch and Bill Paxton as a hellion vampire named Severen.

15. EVIL DEAD (1981) / EVIL DEAD 2 (1987) (dir. Sam Raimi) – the fact that Raimi's terrific Evil Dead films come in at number 15 on this list just goes to show many great films came out in the 80s. Raimi's raw first film, Evil Dead, riffs on everything from Equinox (1970) to The Exorcist (1973) as a group of teens go to a secluded cabin in the woods. They make the mistake of reading from an occult book that conjures demons that run wild. And of course the dead won't stay dead. With Bruce Campbell as Ash, in the performance that made him a household name, and the amazing patented "Raimi shot" where the camera lens itself seems to be zooming in on its victim. Evil Dead 2 is a bigger-budget reimagining/sequel with even more slapstick gore and better effects.

16. CREEPSHOW (1982) (dir. George A. Romero) This homage to the old EC horror comics has Stephen King writing the script and George Romero directing. Lots of laughs and scares, including Stephen King in a rare acting role as a hillbilly who finds a radioactive meteorite that transforms him. Other stories include a domineering father who demands his Father's Day cake from beyond the grave, and a man obsessed with bugs and cleanliness who gets his comeuppance when the roaches decide to get even. Fun stuff, featuring everyone from Adrienne Barbeau and Ted Danson to E.G. Marshall and Leslie Neilsen.

17. THE DEAD ZONE (1983) (dir. David Cronenberg) – The 80s were a great decade for Cronenberg, but they were also a good decade for Stephen King adaptations. This one, about Johnny Smith (the always interesting Christopher Walken) , a man who lapses into a coma and wakes up with psychic powers. He gets a premonition that someone is going to assassinate a politician, and tries to stop it. An above-average adaptation directed by Cronenberg.

18. THE SERPENT AND THE RAINBOW (1988) (dir. Wes Craven) – Wes Craven's last great film before he decided to treat horror as a joke in the "Scream" films. This one, based on a non-fiction book by Wade Davis, is about a botanist (Bill Pullman) who goes to Haiti looking for the plant that may be used in voodoo ceremonies to create real-life zombies. But there are a lot of people who don't want him to find it.

19. FROM BEYOND (1986) (dir. Stuart Gordon) – Stuart Gordon's follow-up to Re-Animator is another Lovecraft adaptation starring Jeffrey Combs and Barbara Crampton, about a scientist who is able to see creatures who are normally outside our visual limits. Not as great as Re-Animator, but a good, underrated film.

20. NEKROMANTIK (1987) (dir. Jorg Buttgereit) – this infamous German shock classic is about a guy who cleans up bodies on the highway, and who often brings his work home with him – he's a closet necrophiliac (his girlfriend even joins in). It still has the power to disturb. Definitely not for people with weak stomachs.

21. THE HOWLING (1981) (dir. Joe Dante) – another good werewolf movie from the 80s. This time Dee Wallace plays a reporter who helps the police catch a serial killer. Traumatized by the incident, she goes to "The Colony" to recover – it's kind of a retreat in the woods. But the people there aren't what they seem. They're werewolves. With Patrick Macnee (Steed from the Avengers TV show) as her psychiatrist.

22. Q: THE WINGED SERPENT (1982) (dir. Larry Cohen) – Michael Moriarty as a man who finds an ancient Mexican bird god and its nest on the top floor of the Chrysler building, but no one will believe him. One of director Larry Cohen's best films. Also featuring David Carradine, Candy Clark, and Richard 'SHAFT" Roundtree.

23. TETSUO, THE IRON MAN (1989) (dir. Shinya Tsukamoto) – another exercise in shock cinema, Tsukamoto's surreal film is like a live-action comic book on acid. A man finds that he is slowly turning into a machine. Parts of his body peel off to reveal metal underneath, etc. Despite his efforts to remain human, the transformation will not be stopped. With a comic book fight ending where two metal creatures duke it out.

24. THE HUNGER (1983) (dir. Tony Scott) – classy adaptation of Whitley Streiber's book about a vampire (Catherine Denueve) looking for a new companion when her old one (David Bowie) mysteriously dies. So she looks into turning reporter Susan Sarandon into her new undead lover.

25. CANNIBAL HOLOCAUST (1980) (dir. Ruggero Deodato) and CANNIBAL FEROX (1981) (dir. Umberto Lenzi) – HOLOCAUST is about documentary filmmakers who go into the jungles to film natives that still practice cannibalism. Unfortunately, these so-called civilized people abuse the natives, and pay the price. The film is supposed to be "found footage" after the filmmakers disappeared. Not for the squeamish. FEROX is about more filmmakers seeking to document cannibal tribes who come upon emerald thieves who abused the natives and incurred their wrath. Now the cannibals are going to "Make Them Die Slowly" (the movie's American title).Both are very gruesome and gory, and I think they're both pretty good if you like this kind of thing.

26. RAWHEAD REX (1986) (dir. George Pavlou) – Clive Barker wasn't too happy with this adaptation of his story from "The Books of Blood," but it's one of my favorite Barker-related films. I love the original story and despite the low budget effects I'm still fond of this story about an ancient demon who is woken from his underground sleep by a farmer and then goes on to wreck havoc on an English town. I still think the monster looks kinda cool!

27. HABIT (1982) (dir. Larry Fessenden) – Another variation on the vampirism as addiction theme, this time by indie director Fessenden, who always seems to have horror overtones in his work. This one is about a guy (Fessenden) who goes to a party and meets a vampire (Meredith Snaider) there. The more time he spends with her, the more he struggles with his addiction to her. Will she take him over, or will he find a way to break her spell?

28. SCANNERS (1981) (dir. David Cronenberg) – yet another great Cronenberg movie. This time about telepaths who can use their powers to hurt other people. Of course, the government wants to tap into this new kind of "weaponry," pitting telekinetic "scanners" against each other. Featuring an exploding head scene that has become iconic. With Patrick McGoohan (from "The Prisoner") and the great Michael Ironside.

29. PET SEMATARY (1989) (dir. Mary Lambert) – Another good King adaptation. This time about an ancient Indian burial ground where animals come back to life if you bury them there. But what happens if you bury a person there? Some good scares. With Dale Midkiff, Denise Crosby and Fred Gwynne (Herman Munster himself!)

30. THE WOLFEN (1981) (dir. Michael Wadleigh) – another Whitley Streiber adaptation (he also wrote The Hunger), this time about wolf spirits that hunt people in the big city. Interesting variation on the werewolf legend. With Albert Finney as the cop trying to solve the mystery.

HONORABLE MENTIONS

SLIME CITY (1988) (dir. Greg Lamberson) – I actually didn't hear about this one until about four or five years ago. My buddy Greg Lamberson directed it and it features Rob Sabin as Alex, a student who moves into a strange boarding house. His neighbors get him to drink some kind of weird green wine and eat "Himalayan yogurt" that has occult properties. He starts turning into a slime-covered monster and can only change back if he kills someone. With a totally over-the-top ending.

A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET (1984) (dir. Wes Craven) – I don't think this is in the same league as earlier Craven films such as Last House on the Left (1972) and the original Hills Have Eyes (1977), but it's such an iconic horror film, that I had to mention it. This is the movie that introduced Freddy Krueger (Robert Englund) – a child killer burned to death by the parents of his victims who comes back to kill the next generation of kids in town by entering their dreams. With some good scenes and lots of one-liners from Freddy. A star is born. It spawned a ton of sequels.

THE FLY (1986) (dir. David Cronenberg) – For some reason, I'm not a huge fan of Cronenberg's remake of the 1956 horror movie THE FLY. I actually prefer the original version, but Cronenberg's take on the story is much more logical. A man testing a teleportation pod finds himself spliced together with a fly that was in the machinery. Instead of taking on a giant fly head and arm as he did in the original movie, this time the scientist finds that his DNA has merged with the fly's and that he is turning into a strange fly/human hybrid. Great performances by Jeff Goldblum (who usually annoys me) and Gena Davis. Cronenberg's film was recently turned into an opera!

THE STUFF (1985) (dir. Larry Cohen) – a brilliant idea – about a strange new kind of confection that's actually alive and that eats you from the inside after you've eaten it, gives director Cohen lots of room to flex his satirical muscles and take some funny jabs at consumerism at its worst. With Cohen regular Michael Moriarty and SNL's Garrett Morris.

STILL HAVE TO SEE

HOUSE BY THE CEMETERY (1981) (dir. Lucio Fulci) – only saw the first half hour of this crazy Italian horror flick, about some people moving into a new house and the killer who lives in their basement. I need to see the whole thing sometime.

DON'T GO TO SLEEP (1982) (dir. Richard Lang) TV movie about the ghost of a little girl haunting her family, who she blames for her death, with a shock ending that left a big impression on kids at the time. Starring TV regulars Dennis Weaver and Valerie Harper, as well as the always good Ruth Gordon.

SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT (1984) (Dir Charles E. Sellier, Jr.) – killer Santa movie that was controversial at its time. I still haven't seen it.

That's all for this time. I don't know if I'll ever be posting a 1970s list (just because it would include so many movies!), but I hope you like the ones I've posted so far.